Coffee26 Mar 2009 11:00 am
I can hardly contain myself.
When you order a long black, there is a reason for the first word. It identifies the size of the coffee. A short black is small and a long black is large. Those are the two sizes, long and short. Well that’s how it was supposed to be.
These days in Australia we are following the American sizing model. This model contains no diminuative words like “small” or “short”. Nope. Too negative. Bigger is always better, so the least big can be called “regular”. Of course regular is not a size at all, it’s an interval but let’s leave that one for now.
When you order a long black under this model, you must then be asked what size of long black you want. The original Italian long black of course is the smallest and the unindoctrinated few will honestly call it “small” even though it’s the biggest fucking coffee our European friends could ever have imagined someone drinking in one go. Those who have been spun by successful head office strategies of the heavily branded distributor will call it “regular”.
So the sizes then range upwards of “regular” through the large and x-large cups which are more like milkshake cups than coffee cups.
Bear in mind I’m only talking about the good cafes with real baristas - not the brand chains with a plethora of whipped-cream, syrups and sprinkles. Don’t even get me started on those. The good cafes have been driven to adopt the crazy schemes by distributors and tourists who will pay anything, even for bad coffee.
Malcolm Gladwell (funky afro wielding marketing revolutionary) has an interesting talk over at the awesome lecture platform TED. The topic is supposedly “Spaghetti Sauce” but I watched it anyway. Actually that’s not accurate, it’s about market segmentation but there’s an awesome quote about (American) coffee drinkers:
“Most people like coffee milky and weak, but if you ask, most people will tell you instead they like a strong rich roast!“
“Weak coffee” sounds uncultured and ineffectual, like “cold food” or “flat tyre”. Nobody wants to admit they want it. Nevertheless weak coffee is the only way a milkshake cupfull can be imbibed without inducing uncontrollable fever and caffeine hallucinations.